Monday, October 27, 2008

wHen i coOk fOR yOu

pre diwali pooja night

"hey we're all gonna make something. u shud make it too. it'll be fun to experiment new dishes"
"ummmm i'm not so sure. what can i make. can i make rice kheer?? its the easiest sweet to cook"
"yeah totally. anything is fine. you'll see it'll be fun"
"actually we got some beetroot. can i make beetroot halwa"
"oh that wud be awesome. but u got to do it today itself. it takes a while to make you know."
"oh all right. i'll do it today."

ok now lets see... take a beetroot. open drawer, remove grater. damn this thing has turned my hands pink. hmmmm lets see peel the beetroot. peel. peel.
oops almost nicked my hand there. lucky save. phew.
ok now got to shred the beetroot. grate. grate. gotta be careful with this thing. always takes a slice of my finger. grate. grate.. hmmm [ humming ]
ok last piece now. be alert now.

damn! i nicked my finger again.
owww owww owww
go under the tap now. owwww hot water. turn it to cold. turn it to cold.
hmmm inspect finger. decide pain in finger not so bad compared to the burn on the stomach and the wound on foot. next lets see the recipe again.

get the milk out. oops only have non fat milk.
well this is gonna be healthy beetroot halwa. pour ghee. add beetroot and milk.
lets see the recipe. it said 10 minutes halwa. so shud be done in another 8.45 minutes.
oops gotta add sugar. ONE CUP ????? ARE THEY CRAZY??? thats way too much. half is enough.

half hour later.
still stirring. [ enthusiasm is like 50% of initial levels. just read the rest of the recipe and realized I have no saffron, cashews or raisins ]
hmm hope the taste is alright. took a taste.

damn damn damn!!!!!!!
ur not supposed to take the taste if ur cooking for a pooja. ok don't panic. nobody knows and it will remain that way if noooooo one here, tells them.
[ none of them read the blog so we're cool. praying god is cool with it too ]
[ ok console myself with story of lord Rama and that old lady and berries story. { i do this EVERYSINGLE time. boy i sure hope god's not keeping tabs or anything } ]

ok stir. [ some energy back now fueled by guilt ]
keep stirring.
oh damn. HOW did my WHITE shirt get PINK DOTS on them????
aaaaaaaaaaaw maaaaaaaaaaaan.
go back to stirring. sigh.
half hour later. drooping over the stove and still stirring.
add some more sugar. wash hands. oow oowww owww hot water on nicked finger. turn it cold. turn it cold.
[ &^!@#$ stupid online 10 minute recipe. beeeeeeeeep beeeeeep author of said recipe. pox on all inaccurate recipes .... ]

ok put music.
dance a bit. be happy be happy. taste also depends on mood.

i wonder how it'll turn out. it looks a bright pink... [ its beetroot you moron. its supposed to look pink! ]

oh BTW at this point i'd like to lodge an official protest against this whole not supposed to taste before offering to god thing. i mean how can you offer something terrible to HIM??? could u like.. ummm... direct me to the right department pls??


  1. hehe, good one! Like something out of PG Wodehouse..totally pictured Bertie Wooster
    making halwa and getting more and more upset till Jeeves comes along. :-)

    Anyway, wish you a Happy Diwali! Hope your halwa was a hit..

  2. wow thats like the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me !! ever !

    happy diwali to u too J or C or thou-who's-name-shall-not-be-spoken.

  3. "Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing, only a signal shown, and a distant voice in the darkness; So on the ocean of life, we pass and speak one another, only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence."


    ..kind of melancholy, but true.


  4. aaaaaaaaaawww no worries. if our ships pass each other in the night. i'd shine my 30 fog lights on you and blind you and holler at you. and make you stop. and climb aboard and we'd have a smashing party. and toot some more horns annd then we'd all sail together in the same direction continuing the same party.