Wednesday, February 10, 2010

LearNinG iT in bABy sTePs

maybe I envy you. you with your smiles and charm and the ability to say the perfect thing. or maybe you even care? i wouldn't know...
I was like that till the mid 2000's. with the usual. "oooh nice outfit", or "ooooh nice wall hangings" or "oooh nice pulao, you cook awesome food".

with the being polite, and the constant lying. all the time, white lies to make ppl feel better. and observing more and more ppl, doing that and getting disillusioned coz it was almost like second nature. it didn't even bother anyone.
a white lie here, a wihte lie in their day and they didnt even give it a second thought. so ingrained in their lives, and nature's that it came out .. all smooth as better and so what if it was just empty words that basically was just sound to fill airwaves??


and THAT's when i gave up, turned around, looked them dead in the eye, and said ....
"ugh, i hate coconut. no i wouldn't like to taste those macaroons."
"it doesnt look good on you." and sometimes the "you look ugly in pink"
"WHO made that swan crochet thingy??? its hideous!"

whatever came to my mind.

ofcourse it didn't make me POPULAR.
it made me a social nuisance. coz i wasn't playing the games anymore. all the stupid games ppl play. ofcourse i had awkward moments. and ok i didn't lose my sanity completely, so i didn't say EVERYTHING on my mind.

but i lost that natural ability to be charming and say those lil white lies. now it's natural to me to say the truth. and THAT's dangerous. coz no one wants to hear it. not even me from other ppl.

and since i can't bear to take the responsibility for any of my actions ( :P childish and immature, yes yes ) and yes, maybe its coz my tolerance for stupidity is really decreasing to new lows.... i completely blame this on all the ppl i was hanging out for the last couple of yrs. continuous exposure to fakeness and fake smiles and showing fake concern, i think THAT's wat really snapped my mind.

and suuuuuuure i embarrass myself sometimes. boy!! do i!!
i dunno if i really want to be like you again. i'm not sure i want to go back to uttering those crappy inanities. what i really wish, was i genuinely liked those things or genuinely cared about it.
N was like that, and that's why i used to like him. until he got a gf and she tamed him.
zero social skills. its a surprisingly light way to live. where your not bothered by the layers and layers of complex social skills, that we learn from childhood, so we can be one of the herd.

aargh hate being one of the herd.

but once again, i'm just rambling by now.

so anyways, i'll go back to at least controlling my truths to myself. i mean who really cares if i think ur center pieces are hideous. u didn't ask for my opinion right? and i need to make it an instinct to keep my mouth shut.
and i guess that's the next step. sigh.

so much to learn, so much time to goof up till i do!!

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